(Image: The Pharisees Complain to Our Lord)
We know from ancient texts that people have been complaining and criticizing* pretty much forever. (Present party included.) Chapter 27 in the book of Proverbs, written approximately 3,000 years ago, reads:
A quarrelsome wife is as annoying
as constant dripping on a rainy day.
Stopping her complaints is like trying to stop the wind
or trying to hold something with greased hands.
(Ironically, the author, King Solomon, seems to be both complaining and criticizing one of his many wives here.)
I think most of us would agree that long term, neither behavior accomplishes anything productive. So why do we persist?
Perhaps the most common reason is that we have strong feelings or reactions to something that disturbs or inconveniences us but lack the power to affect change (the RMV and tiny bathroom stalls in airports come to mind). Most of us have little influence over the incidental (e.g., the impossibility of reaching a sympathetic, knowledgeable, customer service rep) as well as the consequential aspects of life (e.g., escalating food costs or incomprehensible health insurance “benefits”).
Years ago when I had adhesive capsulitis (aka frozen shoulder), our health insurance authorized payment for steroid injections or surgery (neither of which tend to be effective for this ailment) but not massage or acupuncture (which both brought relief and were less invasive and less expensive). Despite a barrage of emails and phone calls to our provider, they refused to budge. The powerlessness I experienced fueled fits of complaining that provided an outlet for my frustration but ultimately only made me feel worse.
We also tend to complain and criticize when we are angry with or have been hurt by someone. When I find myself entertaining critical thoughts about a co-worker or friend, 99% of the time it’s because we haven’t worked through a present-tense conflict or I’m nurturing a past-tense wound. (The remaining 1% points to my immaturity.) By magnifying their perceived flaws, they become the problem and I can simultaneously justify my feelings, deny any responsibility, and avoid being vulnerable. This allows me to momentarily feel self-righteous (though the following day, it means I have to add pride to the list of sins I must confess).
Complaining and criticizing can be forms of manipulation. This tends to be more common in hierarchical relationships. Consider the mother who routinely criticizes her son for being lazy when in reality, she’s annoyed at how little her husband does around the house. She knows sharing her feelings with her spouse will be pointless. By focusing on the child’s undeveloped character, she leverages shame in an attempt to get help without directly asking for it or without dealing with the larger relational dynamic. You can extrapolate the specifics of this scenario to countless others.
On the pseudo-plus side, complaining and criticizing allow us to bond with like-minded others—and can be amusing when you’re with witty people. Whether complaining with your friends about the local team’s dismal weekend performance, criticizing your boss’s inane new edict with a co-worker, or grumbling with family members about the madness in Washington, this dynamic helps us connect and creates a sense of solidarity. Such bonding is powerful and can eclipse (at least temporarily) our anger and frustration.
Finally, complaining and criticizing give us the illusion of action without the cost. It takes little effort to drone on about your professor’s boring lecture, your spouse’s habit of quarreling, or the state legislature’s choice to give themselves a whopping raise in the same season that they slashed education funding. Venting is easy. Affecting change takes energy, will-power, self-control, intentionality, and an engaged imagination. Who has time for that?
If you find yourself routinely grousing about the same things—which can be tiresome for you as well as everyone in your proximity—you might want to consider if you are truly powerless in the given situation. When our sons were young, if they got into a complaining rut, our first question was, What can you do to change the situation or make it better? One son had strong opinions about our dinners so I suggested that he plan two meals a week and help me prepare them. (He’s now an amazing cook!) Another was vociferous about the absence of extra curricular activities that addressed social justice issues. So my husband and I encouraged him to start a new club, which he did. More recently, our youngest was increasingly irritated about the many inequities in the food industry. He has since created a website with an interactive map that allows customers to buy directly from regenerative farmers and ranchers, thus increasing their profits.
Granted, when the situations that prompt criticisms and complaints are personal, they are more vexing to address. Sometimes when we complain and criticize those who are close to us, it exposes places where unforgiveness and disappointment may have morphed into resentment and bitterness or reveals areas where we need to make adjustments. Consider asking yourself, Is this situation inviting me to press into forgiveness? Or, Could I attempt to understand the person I regularly criticize and possibly extend empathy? (Maybe if King Solomon had pondered how his choice to “keep” hundreds of wives—plus concubines—contributed to his wife’s unhappiness and then offered her the time and respect she deserved, she would not have been so quarrelsome. Just saying.)
Complaining and criticizing are totally natural human behaviors. However, when unchecked, they promote passivity and corrupt relationships. We may not be able to eradicate everything that annoys or bothers us but we do have the power to engage our imaginations, change our responses, and solve problems. Long term, these options have a much higher payoff.
*Complain means to “express negative feelings about something; to voice discontent, displeasure, or unhappiness, or make a formal accusation.” To criticize is to “find fault with; to point out real or perceived flaws.” According to the Britannica Dictionary, “Criticize puts more attention on the thing being criticized. Complain puts more attention on the person complaining. When you criticize something, you’re saying ‘Here’s what’s wrong with it,’ but when you complain you’re saying ‘I’m not happy about this.’”
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Header image of The Pharisees Complain to Our Lord, by Sébastien Bourdon.
(Not everyone believes that King Solomon wrote the entire book of Proverbs. I am not a biblical scholar and have no way of discerning if Prov. 27 represent his thoughts.)