I’m now halfway through the first draft of my third book (scroll to the very bottom of the link), which focuses on how misogyny affects American life. Had you asked me last year how I felt about writing this, I would have said, “I’m so excited! I’ve been wanting to write about this topic for more than a decade.” Five months in, my response would be slightly more nuanced. I simply didn’t realize how much more difficult it would be to write this book than my first two.
Perhaps the biggest difference is that it has required a tremendous amount of research. The deeper I dig, the more I realize how little I know which has made me question myself. I wonder if I’m smart enough or a good enough writer or if I really have anything unique to say.
That’s why musician Jon Batiste’s quote in American Symphony resonated with me:
“You have to confront the brutal fact that you might not pull it off, but at the same time, have an unwavering faith, completely unwavering faith. And you have to do both at the same time.” Jon Batiste
Easier said than done.
What does it look like to walk in that space? To stare down the doubts, to silence the critics (internal or external), and keep putting one word, one note, one brush stroke after the next?
My creative process starts by saying yes to what I can only describe as an invitation. An idea will materialize and I feel like I’m being offered the opportunity to partner with something (or Someone) much bigger than me. Saying yes and taking the next step feels obvious—but intimidating. To some extent, that initial yes is the easy part. It gets difficult quickly as I transition to the exhausting, nerve wracking, doubt-inducing months of bringing a project to life. Most days, what keeps me going is trying to stay connected to my Creator and sheer discipline fueled by the belief that I have something to contribute even though I’m not an academic or a New York Times’ bestselling author.
My process is only my process. In light of this, I reached out to some of my creative friends to see if they agreed with Batiste and how they navigate their moments (and seasons) of doubt or stuckness.
Mauryn Kkira started her own fashion brand without any prior experience in the field.
“When I started my brand, I had only taken two fashion classes none of which had anything to do with shoe design, so I knew nothing about how to start a shoe brand.
For me, navigating the moments that Batiste mentions looks like making peace with the reality that fear of failing and faith in my abilities can be true simultaneously. After spending a good deal of my life believing that everything was in the context of either-or, I have gotten more comfortable in the yes, and... way of life—with understanding that it’s possible for me to be terrified and strong at the same time. I am always aware that I could fail, but I’m also aware that the deepest part of me insists that I CAN do it. My desire to create something inspiring, colorful, and beautiful was greater than the doubt and fear.
“I had to be willing to fail, but the pain of not trying was greater than the fear of failing.” Mauryn Kkira
It’s one thing to have a feeling that you think you can accomplish something incredible, but it is an entirely different thing to see it come to pass. The image in our heads is usually incomplete because it is not always inside the context of what is required to make it happen. Our job is to dream things up and then we get to translate that into reality. That, without question, sets us up for the Can I? or Can’t I? dance!
Everything I do revolves around my belief that being my truest self is my greatest act of worship, so the goal is always to be as honest about what’s going on inside of me and to honor myself and God by seeing where it leads. So far, I am glad to say it always leads back to God, no matter how convoluted the road gets!”
Jeff is a longtime friend who wears many hats in Hollywood (including screenwriter, producer, showrunner, and executive director of film and television, including projects such as Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.). “I know exactly what Batiste means with that statement. It’s another example of living in paradox, in liminal space. An idea can be stupid or genius or both and I won’t know until it’s done. I have to trust and believe in my intuition and training. As the Buddhist koan goes, ‘Leap and the net will appear.’ Having said all that, some ideas are better than others, or aren’t realized as completely or the timing is wrong. But the only way out is through.”
“I have written thousands of pages that were never turned into movies or television series. I believed in every story I wrote. The making has to be enough.” JB
Deidre Tao is an award-winning landscape painter.
“As a studio artist, creating a painting is a big project. Over time, I’ve learned that it’s best not to think about clients, curators, money, or any outcomes while I’m in the physical act of painting. If I think about desired outcomes too much, it stifles me and doesn’t allow me to relax. Instead, I start the daily painting process with physical routines like making a cup of coffee and putting globs of paint onto the palette. Then I get my brushes moving. This begins an intentional shift of thinking and moves me into a flow state. When I’m in the flow state, I’m only thinking about getting the colors where I want them. I can stay there for a long time—up to two hours or so—without realizing the clock has moved.
It usually takes several weeks for me to complete a painting. Near week three or four, when the painting is 85% done, it gets tricky. Certain sections of the canvas might be challenging me but I know I have to finish. That’s when my faith can waver. I pace. I make another cup of coffee. I ask myself: Is this a successful painting? Where are my eyes getting stuck? Where does it feel underdeveloped? Did I overdo/overpaint/overthink this area? Is this piece following the rules I set up? Is this painting excellent yet?
Then, when I’ve worked on those last areas and they are resolved, I finally feel at peace. I am satisfied with the painting’s balance, harmony, and message, and it’s time to put the brushes down and walk away. This is a very internal decision. The external confirmation comes later in the form of an acceptance into a juried show, a selection by a curator, or, ultimately, a purchase. Sometimes this happens immediately. Sometimes it may not happen for months or even years later.”
“I think the unwavering faith in my ability to ‘do it’ comes from so many years of ‘doing it.’ When I remind myself of these prior successes, I know I can do it again.” Deidre Tao
Leave a comment below and let me know how you push through creative doubt. I’ll randomly choose three of you and send you one of my books or a set of my photo note-cards.
We are privileged to have three of Deidre’s beautiful paintings in our home. You can find more of her work here.
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Such wisdom here, Dorothy, thank you! Prayer is essential for me, especially when the voice of doubt seems to be overcoming the voices of encouragement. When that happens, which is more often than I'd like to admit, I have to step inside myself and say, "Lord, show me the way. I don't know how to do anything by myself." Faith and doubt, a humbling duality resolved in Him.
It is said that the root of self doubt is the fear of failure. I have to ask myself why I am afraid of failing and why does it matter to me so much. We all need to keep the faith in ourself and trust in God. We all need to rethink what we as a person may view as failure when it’s really an opportunity to reinvent our idea and power through. As Psalm 50:15 says You can let doubt, fear, and worry overtake you, or you can call upon the Lord. God has promised that if you call upon him, he will deliver you.