Sex Talk: Part Two

Were You Told the Wrong Story?

How Faulty Teaching and Cultural Conditioning Derail Us

(This is part two of a three-part series on sexuality from a faith-based perspective.)

Many of us were told the wrong story about our bodies and sex when we were growing up. As a result, we now have to sift through layers of cultural conditioning and misguided teaching to determine God’s intent for our sexuality.

Starting in adolescence, culture conditions men and women differently. By the early teen years girls know that if they fail to keep their boyfriends sexually satisfied, it’s their fault if the boys go elsewhere. I remember standing around a bonfire at a high school pep rally within earshot of an ex-boyfriend. With his arms wrapped around his new steady, he said, “I used to go out with her,” nodding in my direction. His girlfriend asked, “Why did you break up with her?” He replied, “She didn’t give out.” With just four words he effectively shamed me and clarified his expectations for her. I wish I could say that this line of thinking stops when we reach adulthood but I’ve heard more than a few men in positions of authority blame wives for their husbands’ sexual indiscretions.

Many Christian women often find themselves in a double bind. Not only are we seemingly responsible for keeping our husbands sexually satisfied, but we’re also apparently responsible for mankind’s sexual sobriety.

Soon after the late Rev. Billy Graham began his public ministry, he decided to safeguard his ministry by implementing several rules, one of which stated that he would not meet individually with a woman unless a third party was present. Known as the “Billy Graham rule,” this has become standard practice for many male Christian leaders.

Fidelity should be a nonnegotiable component of marriage and men are wise to understand their vulnerabilities. But when a male leader refuses to meet one-on-one with a woman, the woman can feel that the man is not safe—and somehow it’s her fault. More than that, such practices limit women’s access to leadership.

Whether it’s in the context of one-on-one relationships or in the church at large, women often receive the message that our bodies are both powerful and dangerous. To minimize this and “protect” our brothers, there’s tangible pressure for us to go beyond appropriate modesty and become almost asexual by concealing curves, cleavage, or any other sensual body parts.

From this vantage point it can feel like women are perceived to be seductresses who sing their siren songs for the sole purpose of luring unsuspecting men into the rocks, à la Homer’s Odyssey. While some women do misuse their sexuality and self-objectify, the meta-message here is that men are powerless to resist—which is not at all consistent with Jesus’s example or his teachings (see Matthew 5:30).

Outside religious settings, women’s bodies are detached from their souls and idolized. The fashion and entertainment industries seem intent on exposing as much female flesh as possible: not to celebrate women’s beauty but to sell things.

Though it looks different, cultural conditioning can be similarly unhelpful for men. Throughout their lives, men receive the message that they are wired to constantly think about sex and that their worth is deeply tied to their virility and sexual prowess.

Emphasizing virility or frequency encourages men to prioritize the act of sex (which can take less than ten minutes) over intimacy (which takes inestimably longer). Esteeming virility also contributes to the lie that men cannot consistently control their sexual desires. Based on his experiences, my husband Christopher feels that,

American culture tends to frame sexual performance as the masculinity litmus test. Even within Christian circles it seems that we’re not true men unless we’re thinking about having sex all the time. One study done by a conservative Christian organization stated that “80-90% of men view sex as the most important aspect of their marriage.” If this is true, which I highly doubt, how much of that is a function of conditioning and poor anxiety management? That the average American male has to exert significant energy to not think about sex is a fact: that doesn’t mean it’s not possible or that we shouldn’t develop that ability.

Men, we’re telling each other the wrong story. We can’t and shouldn’t always be thinking about sex. There’s too much else to do! This kind of pressure may cause some men to eroticize all of their emotional and physical needs, and some to shut down because they know they can’t keep up.

If men take in these messages and conclude that they lack the agency to develop self-control, it will always be someone else’s fault when they act out.

To walk in a holy, healthy, sexual ethic we must refute erroneous teaching and recognize when culture is leading us astray. We will also need to acknowledge the power of our God-given sexuality, become aware of our areas of temptation, and find the balance between self-control and sexual expression. Regardless of where our misguided input came from or how long it has been influencing us, it’s never too late to come into full alignment with God’s purposes for our sexuality.

Part three of this series will offer eight character traits that foster mutually fulfilling sexual intimacy. Buy the book and read the entire two chapters!

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Photo credit iStock, Bartek Szewczyk.

Adapted from Marriage in the Middle by Dorothy Littell Greco. Copyright (c) 2020 by Dorothy Littell Greco. Published by InterVarsity Press, Downers Grove, IL. www.ivpress.com