Why I'm Not Deconverting

Even though I have good reasons to do so

Last week, I finished writing the chapter that focuses on misogyny in the church for my forthcoming book. I also read The Exvangelicals, by Sarah McCammon. I felt sufficiently stirred up by McCammon’s book, which is subtitled Loving, Living, and Leaving the White Evangelical Church, that I took a pause from starting my next chapter to process my reactions.

There are many good reasons why individuals leave churches. I’d guess the top three include being mistreated; being fed an unhealthy, unbalanced diet (bad theology); and being part of a body that doesn’t practice what they preach (bad praxis). I’ve experienced all three.

Many honest, moving books have been written about church hurt and abuse. I may add my voice someday but for now, I want to focus on the second two reasons listed above: bad theology and bad praxis.

Another way to think about bad theology is misinformation. We all carry biases and are all affected (and sometimes scarred) by the events and experiences of our lives. When the pastor/speaker fails to recognize how his or her biases affect their understanding of Scripture and have shaped their faith, it can result in dis- or misinformation, which often gets cloaked in religious language.

If a pastor was raised in a conservative Christian home that steered clear of all things secular, only had friends who reinforced these core beliefs, and then attended a Christian college, it should be no surprise that this man would hold and espouse conservative beliefs. There’s nothing morally wrong about this trajectory.

It gets messy when this preacher begins to teach and is unaware of how his worldview shapes his beliefs and his sermons. (The following is a hypothetical situation. I am not suggesting that anyone who is conservative necessarily lands in this place.) If he voices his mistrust of science or anything in the mainstream media; if he repeatedly speaks of women in derisive, derogatory language; if he conflates nationalism with following Jesus, he is dispensing misinformation (such perspectives are culturally rather than Scripturally bound) and veering off course. This can make parishioners prone to discounting the actual truth especially when it conflicts with their version of reality. (See conspiracy theories.)

In my forty plus years of attending church and trying to follow Jesus, it’s become increasingly clear to me that some pastors (some, not all) are more concerned with growing their brand church and protecting their life-style than becoming Christ-like and teaching their people what it means to wholeheartedly love God and their neighbors. Not enough pastors and leaders seem to understand that their role should be akin to John the Baptist: they need to decrease so Christ can increase.

Additionally, people in the pews can be remarkably passive and gullible. There are reasons why the Bible repeatedly refers to us as sheep. We swallow the misinformation with a side of hypocrisy rather than coughing it up and spitting it out. We are all too willing to blame those who are not like us for their misfortunes and walk pridefully past the child bleeding on the side of the road.

This brings me to the second reason why folks leave the church: bad praxis among the leader or others in the church. The pastor is only one person. He (or she) cannot take the blame for all of the un-Christlike behavior exhibited by those who refer to themselves as Christians. As has always been the case, teens and young adults have a finely-tuned hypocrisy meter. They quickly recognize discrepancies between what one claims to believe and how one acts. And they have zero tolerance for hypocrites.

At the top of their will-not-tolerate list are any isms: sexism, racism, etc. Unlike when I was growing up in the 1960s and 70s, they know what these isms looks like. They read about Harvey Weinstein and Larry Nasser. They watched Derek Chauvin murder George Floyd. They see how their LGBT classmates get bullied. Even if they are not followers of Jesus, they know that such behaviors have no place in the church. So when pastors or denominations defend or overlook mistreatment of women, People of Color, or their gay friends, they want nothing to do with it. Or faith in general because in their minds, the two are fused.

Our eldest son deconverted several years ago. When we talked with him about why he made that choice, he said, “If Christianity was real, then the people who say they’re Christians would act more like Christ. And they don’t.” Ouch—and it’s hard to disagree with him. (That said, my husband and I are friends with many believers who do faithfully follow Jesus and who have lived in integrity. Sadly, our son has not experienced this.)

Despite all of the pain and disappointment that my husband and I have felt and witnessed within church settings, we’ve made a different choice. We’ve decided to stay.

We stay not because we’re amazing people or because we’re stubborn. (Well, the latter is probably true.) We stay because Jesus is worth it. Despite the myriad of imperfections, mistakes, sins, and stupidities of the church, who Jesus was and who he calls us to be is much more compelling than anything else out there. Where else would we go? (John 6:68)

In order to stay, we’ve had to repeatedly forgive, apologize and repent when we’ve been wrong, confront inconsistencies, and work toward reconciliation and restoration. We have walked away from several churches when it became clear that to remain would have either violated our conscience or brought irreparable pain. Or both. Those were not easy decisions and were not made lightly.

Books and articles on deconversion and leaving the church are currently in vogue. This should not come as a surprise given how Christians have been behaving and how the revelations of abuse keep coming. But this is not new. It’s simply more difficult to keep sin hidden these days. Which is a good thing. It’s also good that unrepentant leaders are being exposed and fired. It’s good that bad theology—like the prosperity gospel and Christian nationalism—is being called out.

What’s not so good is the assumption that all churches, all pastors, all Christians are reprehensible, uneducated, homophobic hypocrites. Or when those who were raised in the church or who walked with Jesus for a season are unable or unwilling to separate bad behavior and bad theology from the person of Christ and who then reject all of it.

I am not advocating that anyone remain in an abusive or toxic setting, be it a seminary, church, or marriage. Nor am I suggesting that hurts should be ignored or Romans 8’ed.* I would like to encourage those who have walked away to reconsider. To find a way to reconnect with Christ and when you’re ready, come back. Help the church become what it’s supposed to be. We need you.

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*Romans 8:28 reads, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” This verse is often spoken to those who are suffering or who have experienced great loss. Big picture, I agree that this verse can be comforting. But when we are in the depths of pain, it feels like a platitude.

I actually appreciated McCammon’s book. But it also stirred up a whole lotta feelings.

Header photo by Annie Spratt at Unsplash.

PS. After hearing from quite a few people about this post, I want to clarify that I do not hold judgment against those who need to step away from church after experiencing repeated hurt or pain. I took a year-long break from attending church when I could no longer sit through the service without crying or feeling tremendous anger. My hope for those who are experiencing such difficulty is that they get support, do their spiritual work, and at some point, are able to return to some type of gathering with fellow believers. This does not have to be in a formal church on Sunday morning! But we do need each other. I believe that choosing not to meet with others for the sake of mutual encouragement, prayer, and taking communion leaves us vulnerable to total deconversion.