Thank you for this, Dorothy! This is very resonant — as a child, I didn’t learn how to deal with my anger in a healthy way. And your mention of learning “how to be emotionally dishonest at a young age” is, admittedly, very relateable — oof. As you write, so often we learn to dismiss or deny our anger, and then it comes out sideways. So much better to develop skills to address anger in healthy ways. Thank you for sharing your wisdom in this beautifully-written reflection!
This is so well articulated, Dorothy. As a parent of young adults, I see how my inability to recognize anger in myself (due largely to upbringing that did not allow anger) stunted my ability to express it in a healthy way.
I also love the way you highlight that we as parents seem to be half a step in front of our kids in formation- I feel that!
Good words, Dorothy! Thanks for sharing so deeply and authentically, as you always do. I agree that helping kids learn the importance of apologies and asking for forgiveness is very important. I would add that this can also sometimes need to be balanced with consequences, particularly if a child seems to be "learning" the incorrect lesson that "I can do whatever I want when I am mad as long as I say 'sorry' and ask for forgiveness later." This reminds me of the humorous (but true) story told me by a vice principal in the 70s at a public school. He decided to invoke a fine (25 cents) for every time a student cussed. This policy quickly deteriorated into students counting their loose change before letting fly with the number of cusses they could afford. :)
Beautifully articulated, Dorothy! May the lessons you have learned on anger pave a way for many to learn more quickly the dangers of suppressing anger—in ourselves and others, and how to develop healthy expression and skills to reach positive resolution. Like you, it took me many years to learn to recognize my own anger quickly and address it appropriately. Thankful to be on this side of anger! :)
I do have some questions as we also have a child with big feelings. We have set boundaries such as the ones you mention above, but in the heat of anger, our child does not care about those boundaries. So name-calling and very rude words are weapons he can wield in the midst of anger. We have made progress (both he and us as parents), and he is currently apologizing and asking for forgiveness fairly soon after these incidents. But I’m not sure if there should be a consequence for the breaking of the boundaries or just reminders that they’re there? If a child has asked for forgiveness (and a parent too, if needed), would you still give a consequence for breaking the boundary of name-calling/rude and hurtful words? Or just remind them of those boundaries as part of the reconciliation?
Thank you for this, Dorothy! This is very resonant — as a child, I didn’t learn how to deal with my anger in a healthy way. And your mention of learning “how to be emotionally dishonest at a young age” is, admittedly, very relateable — oof. As you write, so often we learn to dismiss or deny our anger, and then it comes out sideways. So much better to develop skills to address anger in healthy ways. Thank you for sharing your wisdom in this beautifully-written reflection!
This is so well articulated, Dorothy. As a parent of young adults, I see how my inability to recognize anger in myself (due largely to upbringing that did not allow anger) stunted my ability to express it in a healthy way.
I also love the way you highlight that we as parents seem to be half a step in front of our kids in formation- I feel that!
Thank you for this.
Good words, Dorothy! Thanks for sharing so deeply and authentically, as you always do. I agree that helping kids learn the importance of apologies and asking for forgiveness is very important. I would add that this can also sometimes need to be balanced with consequences, particularly if a child seems to be "learning" the incorrect lesson that "I can do whatever I want when I am mad as long as I say 'sorry' and ask for forgiveness later." This reminds me of the humorous (but true) story told me by a vice principal in the 70s at a public school. He decided to invoke a fine (25 cents) for every time a student cussed. This policy quickly deteriorated into students counting their loose change before letting fly with the number of cusses they could afford. :)
Have you considered putting your considerable wisdom into a parenting book once you’ve finished your present project?
Beautifully articulated, Dorothy! May the lessons you have learned on anger pave a way for many to learn more quickly the dangers of suppressing anger—in ourselves and others, and how to develop healthy expression and skills to reach positive resolution. Like you, it took me many years to learn to recognize my own anger quickly and address it appropriately. Thankful to be on this side of anger! :)
Great piece, thank you
So good.
I do have some questions as we also have a child with big feelings. We have set boundaries such as the ones you mention above, but in the heat of anger, our child does not care about those boundaries. So name-calling and very rude words are weapons he can wield in the midst of anger. We have made progress (both he and us as parents), and he is currently apologizing and asking for forgiveness fairly soon after these incidents. But I’m not sure if there should be a consequence for the breaking of the boundaries or just reminders that they’re there? If a child has asked for forgiveness (and a parent too, if needed), would you still give a consequence for breaking the boundary of name-calling/rude and hurtful words? Or just remind them of those boundaries as part of the reconciliation?