I struggled with perfectionism for more than forty years. As early as middle school, I was setting ridiculously high standards for myself academically, athletically, and relationally. I had to get As, beat my last performance, and please everyone. Mistakes or perceived failures unleashed a torrent of self-condemnation.
When I became a Christian at nineteen, my perfectionism took on new dimensions.
Pastors emphasized the importance of selling out for Christ and the dangers of mediocrity, both of which confirmed my core belief that saying no to service opportunities or falling short of someone else’s standard was simply not an option.
Thus, at age forty, I found myself co-leading a nine-month small group, mentoring several women, heading up our church’s pre-marital program, serving on the prayer team, working part-time as a photographer, and home-schooling our three sons. But even I have my limits. When the much younger children’s pastor told me that I also needed to serve a regular rotation in the nursery, I refused. She disapprovingly said, “You really need to evaluate your priorities.” So I did. In response to her assessment, I pulled out of almost all church activities for an entire year. During that break, I began to understand some of the forces that were driving my perfectionism.
What Does Perfectionism Look Like?
From the outside, perfectionists may appear competent and confident. But externals can be deceiving. For some perfectionists, the fear of making a mistake can lead to agonizing over every decision—from choosing a new paint color for the bedroom to deciding what to wear. For others, perfectionism looks like creating unrealistic to-do lists or flagellating ourselves upon making the slightest mistake.
In my life, perfectionism was pervasive. If I sensed the slightest bit of tension in a relationship, I would endlessly ruminate on recent conversations trying to determine what I could have done or said differently. If I gave a competent teaching, I would dwell on the two points I forgot to make. There was an internalized harsh task master in my head always communicating That’s not good enough. After nearly forty years of obeying this voice, it never occurred to me that I had the authority to silence it.
That changed one Sunday morning when I asked for prayer regarding some health issues. A prayer team member tentatively asked if I struggled with self-hatred. The fact that I immediately felt defensive should have tipped me off that she was spot-on but I chose to deflect her piercing discernment and simply promised to pray about it. After pondering this possibility for a few days, I checked in with God during a prayer time; “Self-hatred isn’t one of my issues is it?” I sensed a return question; “What about your perfectionism? Isn’t that a form of self-hatred?” I was stunned.
Soon after this epiphany, I began to see evidence of self-hatred throughout my life. It was self-hatred that compelled me to berate myself with monologues such as, “I can’t believe I just did that. I am so stupid.” To clarify, such unmerited tongue lashings would come after I overcooked the granola or forgot a friend’s birthday. Because I had never engaged in the more overt forms of self-hatred (e.g. self-harm), I failed to identify it.
What Contributes to Perfectionism?
Typically, perfectionism emerges as a result of insecurites and a faulty understanding of what it means to receive love. During our first few years of life, our parents are meant to communicate through their words and actions that we are both lovely and lovable, even though we do nothing to earn that love. When a baby cries and a parent consistently and lovingly meets her needs, the child gradually gains a sense of self-worth that is not tied to performance. If that message gets reinforced through the child’s first ten to twelve years, she will emerge into adolescence with a secure sense of self and be ready to take risks and even fail.
Tragically, not all of us were the beneficiaries of good-enough parenting. Many of our needs were met with frustration, indifference, or even anger which we interpreted as There’s something wrong with me. Over time, shame creeps in. This shame distorts our understanding of our inherent beauty and self-worth.
Shame is not the only precursor for perfectionistic tendencies. If we don’t trust that others will love and accept us as we are, the fear of rejection may prod us to believe that we must earn their love and approval. As a young teen, this false paradigm motivated me to take on more and more of the household chores. One day, my mom came home from work as I was folding the towels. Rather than saying, “Thanks for doing the laundry!” she scolded me for folding them horizontally rather than vertically, which was her preference. I remember thinking, “I can’t do anything right.” That was the voice of perfectionism.
After I started following Jesus, this fear of being judged inadequate compelled me to prove my worth. Though I believed that I was saved by grace in theory, I lived as if I had purchased salvation on credit and was now accruing an enormous debt.
Getting Free
Ferreting out perfectionism is rarely easy or straightforward. Not only are these thought patterns and behaviors deeply embedded but life demands that we critically evaluate our work. As a writer, if I fail to scrutinize my words, the final product will suffer. A software engineer must test and retest her code. Healthy self-critique helps us to grow and do our jobs well. Perfectionism is different. It sets the bar unrealistically high, often leaving us exhausted and frustrated.
Once I understood that a fear of abandonment was the main driver behind my perfectionism, I was able to start extending grace and kindness to myself. Slowly, perfectionism’s choke-hold started to loosen.
On a practical level, breaking and staying free from perfectionism means I have to hold an awareness of my triggers (feeling insecure or disconnected) and my default behaviors (namely over-performing and being co-dependent). Personalizing Scriptures about God’s love and praying them out loud helps to remind me that my worth is not tied to my performance.
I’ve also had to train myself to respond differently. When (not if) I forget a friend’s birthday or get a parking ticket, I acknowledge my mistake, apologize where appropriate, and move on. No more descending into shame or self-hatred.
My faith reminds me that it was Jesus’s assignment to be perfect—not mine. Thankfully, God invites all of us to trust in a love that does not depend upon our performance.
PS.
If you are anything like me, you might feel some resistance to naming perfectionism and self-hatred. I’d like to offer a few questions that might help you identify it in your life:
How easy is it for you to say no, particularly to authorities?
Are you comfortable asking for help?
Are you able to receive appropriate criticism without getting defensive?
Are you willing to try new activities when others are present?
Do you have a nagging belief that you are falling short of some illusive standard?
Do you harshly critique yourself?
Are you able to experience joy? An absence of joy might be one of the best indicators that perfectionism is present. Perfectionism slowly squeezes the joy out of life by reducing creativity, accentuating mistakes, and making us slaves of success.
Here’s an example of a section of Scripture that speaks to me when I’m feeling like I failed.
I am convinced that nothing can ever separate me from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither my fears for today nor my worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate me from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation not even my mistakes will ever be able to separate me from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:38-39. Italics represent my additions.)
Please note: OCD can also mask as perfectionism. If you routinely struggle with repetitive behaviors or condemning, harmful thoughts, please do not hesitate to seek professional help.
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Art by Vincent Van Gogh, who reportedly struggled with perfectionism.
A version of this article was originally published at Christianity Today in 2015.
Bless your heart ..
Your writings never cease to fill me with new insights …
Thanks for this excellent and helpful essay, Dorothy! How ironic that many Christians--who are supposedly very in touch with concept of God's grace--still wrestle with perfectionism. This suggests that some of us might still tend to view God as a "big" version of our parents. Perfectionism also can subconsciously help us to preserve our illusion of self-sufficiency by framing every failure as an "exception" for which we should feel shame, in stead of a mistake which we should expect to make as humble humans.
Regarding "good enough" parenting, I believe this concept is useful but has limits. It was developed by a person without Christian faith, and it can suggest that there are lots of people out there whose parents were truly sufficient to meet their everyday needs and empower their sense of security. I would submit that there is no such thing as good enough parenting, and the illusion that there is can make some people feel like they were truly short-changed compared to their friends.
In fact, everyone's parents were significantly flawed and truly in need of God's grace. Some parents are harsh and withholding, which can spawn perfectionism, but other parents (especially today) heap unmerited praise on their children as the norm, encouraging a falsely inflated sense of autonomy and power in these children (e.g., think narcissism).
The bottom line is that. whereas all parents are flawed, GOD is not, and God still chooses to use our flawed parents as part of the way He shapes us, working all things (including the BAD ones) together for good. As a result, a true grasp of grace is indeed (as you note) the best way to avoid perfectionism, but it is also the best way to avoid narcissism--and every other distortion inhibiting the people that God intends us to be. Indeed, because of God's grace, my flawed, imperfect parents who were His children are "completely good" in God's eyes when He views them through Christ. And not even unbelieving parents cannot stop God's love from breaking into our lives.