Thanks for this excellent and helpful essay, Dorothy! How ironic that many Christians--who are supposedly very in touch with concept of God's grace--still wrestle with perfectionism. This suggests that some of us might still tend to view God as a "big" version of our parents. Perfectionism also can subconsciously help us to preserve our illusion of self-sufficiency by framing every failure as an "exception" for which we should feel shame, in stead of a mistake which we should expect to make as humble humans.
Regarding "good enough" parenting, I believe this concept is useful but has limits. It was developed by a person without Christian faith, and it can suggest that there are lots of people out there whose parents were truly sufficient to meet their everyday needs and empower their sense of security. I would submit that there is no such thing as good enough parenting, and the illusion that there is can make some people feel like they were truly short-changed compared to their friends.
In fact, everyone's parents were significantly flawed and truly in need of God's grace. Some parents are harsh and withholding, which can spawn perfectionism, but other parents (especially today) heap unmerited praise on their children as the norm, encouraging a falsely inflated sense of autonomy and power in these children (e.g., think narcissism).
The bottom line is that. whereas all parents are flawed, GOD is not, and God still chooses to use our flawed parents as part of the way He shapes us, working all things (including the BAD ones) together for good. As a result, a true grasp of grace is indeed (as you note) the best way to avoid perfectionism, but it is also the best way to avoid narcissism--and every other distortion inhibiting the people that God intends us to be. Indeed, because of God's grace, my flawed, imperfect parents who were His children are "completely good" in God's eyes when He views them through Christ. And not even unbelieving parents cannot stop God's love from breaking into our lives.
Dorothy, this made me bit emotional. Whew! You made me self reflect a bit… sometimes I do feel I might be trying to compensate because of some reasons that I might not be able to unpack. I will take time to reflect on those questions and really self reflect and confront whatever it is that makes me feel, I am just not good enough. Thank you for writing this.
Excellent post, Dorothy, and spot-on. Perfectionism is a tyranny, an insatiable task-master, which many of us know well. Forgiveness, forgiveness, forgiveness.
Bless your heart ..
Your writings never cease to fill me with new insights …
Thanks for this excellent and helpful essay, Dorothy! How ironic that many Christians--who are supposedly very in touch with concept of God's grace--still wrestle with perfectionism. This suggests that some of us might still tend to view God as a "big" version of our parents. Perfectionism also can subconsciously help us to preserve our illusion of self-sufficiency by framing every failure as an "exception" for which we should feel shame, in stead of a mistake which we should expect to make as humble humans.
Regarding "good enough" parenting, I believe this concept is useful but has limits. It was developed by a person without Christian faith, and it can suggest that there are lots of people out there whose parents were truly sufficient to meet their everyday needs and empower their sense of security. I would submit that there is no such thing as good enough parenting, and the illusion that there is can make some people feel like they were truly short-changed compared to their friends.
In fact, everyone's parents were significantly flawed and truly in need of God's grace. Some parents are harsh and withholding, which can spawn perfectionism, but other parents (especially today) heap unmerited praise on their children as the norm, encouraging a falsely inflated sense of autonomy and power in these children (e.g., think narcissism).
The bottom line is that. whereas all parents are flawed, GOD is not, and God still chooses to use our flawed parents as part of the way He shapes us, working all things (including the BAD ones) together for good. As a result, a true grasp of grace is indeed (as you note) the best way to avoid perfectionism, but it is also the best way to avoid narcissism--and every other distortion inhibiting the people that God intends us to be. Indeed, because of God's grace, my flawed, imperfect parents who were His children are "completely good" in God's eyes when He views them through Christ. And not even unbelieving parents cannot stop God's love from breaking into our lives.
Dorothy, this made me bit emotional. Whew! You made me self reflect a bit… sometimes I do feel I might be trying to compensate because of some reasons that I might not be able to unpack. I will take time to reflect on those questions and really self reflect and confront whatever it is that makes me feel, I am just not good enough. Thank you for writing this.
THANK YOU for this article! So helpful!
Excellent post, Dorothy, and spot-on. Perfectionism is a tyranny, an insatiable task-master, which many of us know well. Forgiveness, forgiveness, forgiveness.